Straight-Up ‘Girl Talk’ About Days on the Trail

Fair Warning: If you are uncomfortable with talk about female bodily functions please DON’T read on.

As my gay male hairdresser loves to declare with icky distain during our always excellent conversations, “I don’t know how you ladies deal with all the stuff that goes on ‘down there’!” And he is of course referring to the type of maintenance required while in civilization.

If I refrain to him that taking it all to the trails requires us to think way outside our cozy private bathrooms, he’d squeamishly shrug me off, implying—way too much information. If you are in the camp with my beloved hair dresser, read no further as this will most definitely be WAAAAAAY too much information for you. But if you, like me, feel pretty comfortable getting down and dirty in the wilderness for extended periods of time (or you are longing to feel comfortable with it), here are several detailed tips for your next foray into nature.

Peeing: When asked to disclose my various ‘weaknesses’ with my adventure racing teammates prior to an expedition event, the first one I’d declare would be, “I have to stop and pee a lot during a race.”

Being someone who tends to hydrate well and subsequently pee frequently, I’ve gotten pretty good at peeing on the fly. I even got an off handed award once after a 24 hour urban adventure race as “The Women Who Can Pee Anywhere.”

But short of joining me in unabashedly peeing while still on the move while acquiring your own bodily function award, here are a few tips that can make your pee time safer and more efficient on the trail, while keeping the peeing machine as clean as possible.

• If probable, time your peeing with a rest/snack stop or navigation pause or coordinate peeing with others in your group. This will not only make your hiking time more efficient but minimize frustration from friends if you are a frequent urinator. If someone else stops to pee, you pee too. If a rest time is taken for eating or checking out the view, use the time wisely. If you or a hiking mate pause to check maps, use the moment to take a pee.
• If you are behind your hiking group and aren’t comfortable peeing right on the side of the trail, leave a personal item on the trail before you venture off into the woods (water bottle, trekking pole, etc). That way if a concerned friend comes back to find you they will know you are in the area (yes, I lost a teammate in a race once who didn’t do this and ended up falling asleep in a bush while peeing. The rest of the team spent a couple of hours wandering around the base of the Himalaya range trying to find him…..).
• Choose shorts or pants that are super easy to open and get out of—with your pack on. The only time I pee with my pack off is if its off already when its time to go. With lightweight packs and elastic waist bands on shorts I can just pull my shorts down to mid thigh level, pull the whole crotch area toward my face while I am slightly bent over and point my back side toward uninhabited mother nature. In this manner you can ‘privately’ pee just about anywhere within seconds. Even while on long hikes I tend to stay away from pant belts, zippers and buttons as they are just extra devices to have to deal with. If you are set on hiking pants, take the extra belt off. If your pack is heavier and your thick waist belt is cinched down tight over the top of your pants then just unclip the buckle to gain access to your pants. You can also back your pack into a tree or large boulder for a moment of pack-weight-relief while peeing.
• Have toilet paper available on a front or side pouch or zipper pocket that you can reach without taking your pack off. When running I usually don’t use paper. But when on multi-day trips you’ll reduce possible infection or rash problems if you use it each time you pee. I use a two zip lock system with the clean toilet paper (the amount I need for the day) in a quart size bag along with another quart sized back for the used stuff. You will be very happy that you went to the effort to keep clean and dirty paper separate. At the end of the day take the dirty paper and put it in the larger zip lock you are using to organize general trash, then replenish the clean paper wad for the next day

Night Time and The Beloved Pee Funnel: After the first time I freaked out my rope-mates on a mountain when I had to unharness myself on a sketchy snow field in order to pee, I was determined to find a different way. The solution is to pee like a guy—with a pee funnel. Unzip pants, secure funnel in place, pee like a champ. 

Now I realize this isn’t an issue while hiking or running, unless you want to make peeing even quicker than described above or you are out overnight. Or unless you are like me—someone who would rather lie there and suffer than get out of my cozy tent to pee in the middle of the night. And trust me, the funnel will be a beloved item if its raining, snowing or just really cold outside your tent (and it comes in handy on road trips).

With the funnel I still have to unzip my sleeping bag and half-kneel down but I don’t have to get out of the tent. I bring a plastic bottle marked for peeing and place pee funnel tube into the small opening. I recommend a 1.5 liter bottle that you get at the store (with water in it). Drink the water on the drive to the trail head then crush the bottle down to fit it in your pack. I’m not sure I need to say this but don’t use a bottle that you use for anything else except peeing.

I’ve tried different funnels and prefer one with rigid plastic. The pliable foldable kind are easier to smoosh into your pack but tend to be much tougher to seal against your skin (yes I’ve product tested them all). The rigid plastic ones have an extender tube that I secure in place with duct tape. I just leave the tube extended for the trip. If you don’t tape the seal and you don’t hold the tube just so, it may leak (yes I have done this many times). This is my favorite funnel. The only downside is that they are charging a ridiculous $22 for an ounce of plastic. Really? Practice this at home first! Its a huge bummer to not seal properly and subsequently urinate all over the inside of your sleeping bag.

The other upside to containing your urine at night is that it allows you to check out its color in the morning before you go and dump the bottle out. This is a solid reality check as to whether you are hydrating well enough, or not.

Pooping: Read above peeing section for all your pooping needs. No you can’t use the funnel to poop, though I have pooped (outside) into a bag (as required on Mt. Shasta). When in the wilderness we should poop in a dug out hole unless the area where you are hiking has a unique specification on pooping activity. I don’t like to carry the extra weight of a shovel but usually can find a rock or stick to help me dig my hole. Check ground firmness for digging options before getting your mind set on a spot. Don’t bury your toilet paper. That is super uncool. Unless you are allowed to make a fire, you’ll need to bring it along with you in the soiled zip lock bag designated for your pee paper. I quite enjoy pooping in the woods and usually try squatting with my back against a tree or with one butt cheek perched on a rock.

Your Period: I have had the unfortunate timing of being on my period during several Eco Challenge Expedition Competitions. If you are heading out on a week long or multi-week trip the odds are good you’ll get your period. Having your period on the trail doesn’t have to be a big deal unless you feel really compelled to make it one. And, believe me, NO ONE is interested in hearing about it if you do—in particular the guys. Its just an inconvenience that we can easily deal with just like we deal with peeing and pooping.

I recommend tampon use. There are other products on the market now that are rinse-out-able but I question the hygienic nature of them while in nature with questionable water sources. Things get foreign enough ‘down there’ without your period. Add blood and more bacteria into the mix and you are increasing the chances of a urinary tract, yeast infection or other. There are also strong odds that you won’t be near a water source when needing to rinse  out your re-usable device. Enough tampons may be a bit of bulk but your body will thank you that they are clean and sterile when used.

Even though you are bringing your tampons in a zip lock bag, make sure they are not packed near anything wet, like your water bladder. Basic zip locks are not truly water proof. When using tampons use the same system you are using for your toilet paper; clean bag, clean tampons – other bag for used tampons, or just use your used pee/poop paper bag. Keep all available in a front or side easy-access pocket. Remove used tampons at the end of the day and put them in your general trash bag (the trash bag is definitely looking impressively scary at this point).

Your Daily ‘Bath’: If I am doing any activity or race in which I will stop and sleep each night (even a multi-day stage race when I am required to carry everything on my back), I always bring wet-wipes to clean up with at the end of the day. At minimum this will help ward off infection. If I’m going super-duper light I’ll allot myself 2-4 wipes per day—a couple for my crotch and a couple for my face. If I am not as concerned with pack weight I’ll bring a few more per day and clean up all the major body parts. I use Wet Ones 15 per pack because they pack small and come in their own resealable, soft package. Or, if you are bringing along quite a few take them all out of their packages and put them into one zip lock to eliminate extra trash. Make sure the zip lock is sealed or the wipes will dry out. If they do, just sprinkle a bit of water on them to revive them before using.

If you have access to a body of water at the end of the day, use it for your body (and your hiking clothes) and save your wet-wipes just for crotch use. If I bathe in a lake or river I use my Buff for a wash cloth.  

I recommend using the wet wipes (or water) just before you change out of your hiking clothes into your camp clothes at the end of the day. This will give you the lovely illusion that you are cleaner than you actually are.

And a final note: Don’t fret over how you smell while on the trail. Even though you don’t think its possible, everyone else smells just as bad as you. Rather, linger in the fact that for days or even weeks all you are required to do each day is eat, hike, rest, enjoy the views, and put your wet-wipe laden hand down your pants at the end of the day to clean the pipes. Imagine all the duties and responsibilities you’ve temporarily left behind with your bubble baths and great smelling shampoo and just fully enjoy Mother N. This may be the closest you’ll come to your fully self expressed authentic you. I’ll raise my pee funnel to that!